How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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