i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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