She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
