They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
