y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
