I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
