grandma shit on top of the toilet
my phone needs a breathalizer
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
