it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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