I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
