I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
