Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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