I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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