Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
whose ass print is on the piano?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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