mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Hippo gnu deer
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
