i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
