I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
