Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
