now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You smell like stripper and shame
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize