Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
