I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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