the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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