i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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