i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
