my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I am available for nakedness
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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