Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
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