It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
