hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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