hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize