i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize