I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
