I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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