You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
