My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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