omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i've created a new STD.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
