The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
