I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
