I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
