I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
