I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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