I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
