dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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