I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize