so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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