toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
