Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize