You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
