we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
