I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
