My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I have fence marks all over my body
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize