I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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