do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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