Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
