is your mom at the bar?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
