i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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