Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
