u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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