True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
