What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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