the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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