I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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